A little thing called Faith

Faith. This small little word has such a huge impact on my life. You see when I was younger, I struggled with having faith in anything. I honestly thought this world was totally against me which caused as I mentioned before, alot of turmoil and selfharm to me personally. I am so thankful that I no longer live that way. See I know that regardless of what happens in my lifetime, My God will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that if I have faith, not for my will but for His, there is nothing I can encounter that will break me. I also believe that our faith is and will be constantly tested. I want to share one of the first "test" I endured after coming back to My Savior...

Mark and I married in February of 2004. One of my biggest desires as a wife was to one day become a mother. I have always loved children and I wanted nothing more than to have our own. However, when I was 16 years old a doctor told me that I would probably never have children and another doctor said the same when I was 19. So Mark and I were on the 5 year plan - no kids in 5 years and we would see about adoption. I was fine with this and we happily went about our married lives.

Then 6 months after we were married, we found out that I was pregnant! Yeah! I was overjoyed! I couldn't wait to hold our baby in my arms. But the complications quickly came. By 10 weeks I was so sick that I was put on medicine until 19 weeks. Then the contracts started. I was only 24 weeks along at the time. More medicine and things settled down. Until one day when I was driving home from work (26 weeks) and got rearended by a teenager who I found myself calming down afterwards when she realized I was pregnant! After going to the hospital, my contractions were 2 minutes apart. Bedrest began with around the clock medicine. Every week the doctor would say "Lets make it one more week!" I prayed and prayed that He would allow me to carry Andy for as long as I could and He did. The next 10 weeks were a roller coaster ride, filled with medicine every 3 hours, doctors appts, and prayers! At 36 weeks, my water broke and it was decided Andy was ready to arrive. 24 hours later an emergency csection was performed and my handsome little Andy was born! At first the doctors just said he needed to be observed. He was born at 3:51 am in the morning and my mom was there so I told Mark to go home to take a shower and get some rest. By 6 am, the situation had changed. Doctors were coming in telling me they were airlifting my son to Memphis and doped up on drugs I had no clue what they were talking about! I remember I kept saying "what do you mean? I havent held him yet?" over and over again. I frantically called Mark who picked up his mom and rushed back to the hospital, just in time to see Andy covered in tubes and hoses whisked away to the awaiting helicoptor. I told Mark to go to Memphis and I layed waiting in the hospital, having no idea what was going on. It was one of those moments that I knew, the only thing I could do was pray. This was completely out of my control. It seemed like hours before I got a report back. Things didnt look good was what I was told. I remember people coming and going but I mainly remember praying. At one point, I was praying about not even really knowing what my baby looked like since I couldnt see him through all the tubes when they wheeled him by my bedside and I remember weeping during this time. Then I remember a nurse coming into the room with 2 little pictures of my Andy. She had taken them right after he was brought for observation and before they had to incubate him. My first good glimpse of my baby. Then a nurse from Memphis called just to tell me about how adorable his little red cowlick was (yes he had red hair when he was born prior to them having to shave most of it off!). These are the memories I want to remember more than anything that day. The next 2 months were definitely a rollercoaster ride with good days and bad but...Now my little Andy is 4 years old and you would never guess he has ever struggled for a single breath in his life because he is full of life!

Some people would have questioned why this happened. Some would have been angry. Had it not been for my faith, I would have been. Had this happened when I was younger, that is exactly how I would have reacted. However, I remember praying "God. Thank you for blessing me with this beautiful little boy that I have always dreamed of having, I hope to have more time with him but it is Your will. I know that You have a plan and I have faith in You."

This is just one test of faith I have endured. As those who know me realize, my Ryan had complications as well and we are still praying for a healing of his heart but more about that one later! I am just so thankful for My God's love!

2 Corinthians 5:7

"For we walk by faith, not by sight"