Realizing What We Show

It has been a long but great week for me! I went down to MS and got a chance to visit my mom and some really good friends. They are those friends who have seen me at my worst and my best, who just listen without judging, who will stand by me through anything. I love them SO SO much and I needed this time with them. When I got back into town I had committed to working at the country club that I used to work at full time. So tired, I went into work Sat. night. My "manager" there happens to be another one of those friends that I just love to talk to and spend time with. We dont see each other much anymore, except when I work so all the times are special. We sit around after letting everyone else go and just talk. Talk about struggles and happy times. She is going to be undergoing surgery on Dec. 30 (please pray!) so we discussed her feelings of late and then we discussed mine. She made a comment to me that I looked better than I had in 2 years. WOW and thanks! I think the main reason is that I am ready to make some life altering decisions. Decisions that will affect my kids, my husband, and myself. But the main reason I think she noticed this change is because I am not afraid anymore. I know I am strong enough to get through anything with MY GOD by my side. Placing my path in His hands and being honest about things. You see, I have always felt like I had to settle for things (and yes sometimes we do - we cant get everything) but I am talking about the BIG things. Feeling respected, secure, loved, appreciated. I am talking about finding myself again when I feel like myself has been lost the past few years. Coming out of hiding might be a good way to put it. I feel God working in my heart and I know I am strong enough to endure any battle and climb any mountain. Just knowing all of this has given me a new strength. Getting lost in His Word has filled me up. The void that I have felt for so long has been consumed with His love and desires for me. And I am going to follow those desires regardless of what others think. Thank you My God for being my all - my strength, my love, my rock, and my fortress along with so many other things. Though the road may be long, all things are possible with God as the King of my life!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not upon your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Proverbs ch.3 v.5-6

This Moment...

Well..okay. I keep feeling the nudge so I might as well answer. Right? I am a self proclaimed "fixer" of things but I guess God is telling me to let it go. You see for the past few years I have been married to an alcoholic. I want to do what is right but I am tired. I am tired of going to work day in and day out and worrying about my kids. I am tired of being told I am not worth anything and I will never achieve anything. I love my kids more than anything and a friend brought it in to prospective. I am staying in my marriage for my kids, not for me. If the threat doesnt change him or make him want to change, then what else is there? I feel like I deserve better and my kids deserve better. I am tired of feeling taken advantage of. I am tired of going to work worrying about my kids well being. I am just plain tired. At what point do you realize that you cant change a person and if they arent willing to change then you have to? Feeling confused, bitter, overwhelmed, and every other emotion you can imagine. Thanks for letting me vent.

One of Those Moments...

Tonight my youngest child Ryan gave me one of those moments that made my walk with God so special. Ryan is 3 and my very active child. Anyone who knows him knows that he can be very strong willed and adorable all at the same time. He definitely keeps me on my toes to say the least! He has been going into service on Sunday nights with me for a few months now due to me not be comfortable leaving my children at home when I am not around. For a long time, I didn't attend services at night because it seemed easier. Easier to pretend everything was fine at home and we were just spending quality time as a family together although this was far from the truth. Sundays are difficult days. Each Sunday I get up and get the boys ready for church and then pray that we will come home to peace. Most of the time it is the opposite. Sometimes it is "okay" for me to go and other times it is a battle. However, I made the decision that I was not going to let it affect my walk with God and my love for being around my Christian friends. I made the decision that if my husband would not be the spiritual leader of our family, I would. Sadly, this in not the way I envisioned things when we were married but it is my life.

But back to Ryan and service tonight. You see tonight I saw how much our actions as adults can affect our kids. Both my children show compassion for others that can teach me something. They love everybody. They can be upset one minute and the next hugging the same person and saying "I love you" to them. Tonight during an alter call and prayer time, my little 3 year old reached out his hand like he was praising God! Wow! Talk about showing me how much kids watch us as adults. To some this might be such a small thing, but to me it was a joyous thing to witness because my heart skipped a beat and pride filled me to see what my love can show my children. How much more powerful is the love that God shows us as His children. If I can have that much pride in my son for a small notion, how much more pride can My Savior have in us when we follow His truths? Children are miracles and we as children of God are miracles. Each of us has a special reason for being here. I am so blessed by the power of My God. And my 3 year old helped remind me of that tonight...

Proverbs 22:6 "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."

A little thing called Faith

Faith. This small little word has such a huge impact on my life. You see when I was younger, I struggled with having faith in anything. I honestly thought this world was totally against me which caused as I mentioned before, alot of turmoil and selfharm to me personally. I am so thankful that I no longer live that way. See I know that regardless of what happens in my lifetime, My God will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that if I have faith, not for my will but for His, there is nothing I can encounter that will break me. I also believe that our faith is and will be constantly tested. I want to share one of the first "test" I endured after coming back to My Savior...

Mark and I married in February of 2004. One of my biggest desires as a wife was to one day become a mother. I have always loved children and I wanted nothing more than to have our own. However, when I was 16 years old a doctor told me that I would probably never have children and another doctor said the same when I was 19. So Mark and I were on the 5 year plan - no kids in 5 years and we would see about adoption. I was fine with this and we happily went about our married lives.

Then 6 months after we were married, we found out that I was pregnant! Yeah! I was overjoyed! I couldn't wait to hold our baby in my arms. But the complications quickly came. By 10 weeks I was so sick that I was put on medicine until 19 weeks. Then the contracts started. I was only 24 weeks along at the time. More medicine and things settled down. Until one day when I was driving home from work (26 weeks) and got rearended by a teenager who I found myself calming down afterwards when she realized I was pregnant! After going to the hospital, my contractions were 2 minutes apart. Bedrest began with around the clock medicine. Every week the doctor would say "Lets make it one more week!" I prayed and prayed that He would allow me to carry Andy for as long as I could and He did. The next 10 weeks were a roller coaster ride, filled with medicine every 3 hours, doctors appts, and prayers! At 36 weeks, my water broke and it was decided Andy was ready to arrive. 24 hours later an emergency csection was performed and my handsome little Andy was born! At first the doctors just said he needed to be observed. He was born at 3:51 am in the morning and my mom was there so I told Mark to go home to take a shower and get some rest. By 6 am, the situation had changed. Doctors were coming in telling me they were airlifting my son to Memphis and doped up on drugs I had no clue what they were talking about! I remember I kept saying "what do you mean? I havent held him yet?" over and over again. I frantically called Mark who picked up his mom and rushed back to the hospital, just in time to see Andy covered in tubes and hoses whisked away to the awaiting helicoptor. I told Mark to go to Memphis and I layed waiting in the hospital, having no idea what was going on. It was one of those moments that I knew, the only thing I could do was pray. This was completely out of my control. It seemed like hours before I got a report back. Things didnt look good was what I was told. I remember people coming and going but I mainly remember praying. At one point, I was praying about not even really knowing what my baby looked like since I couldnt see him through all the tubes when they wheeled him by my bedside and I remember weeping during this time. Then I remember a nurse coming into the room with 2 little pictures of my Andy. She had taken them right after he was brought for observation and before they had to incubate him. My first good glimpse of my baby. Then a nurse from Memphis called just to tell me about how adorable his little red cowlick was (yes he had red hair when he was born prior to them having to shave most of it off!). These are the memories I want to remember more than anything that day. The next 2 months were definitely a rollercoaster ride with good days and bad but...Now my little Andy is 4 years old and you would never guess he has ever struggled for a single breath in his life because he is full of life!

Some people would have questioned why this happened. Some would have been angry. Had it not been for my faith, I would have been. Had this happened when I was younger, that is exactly how I would have reacted. However, I remember praying "God. Thank you for blessing me with this beautiful little boy that I have always dreamed of having, I hope to have more time with him but it is Your will. I know that You have a plan and I have faith in You."

This is just one test of faith I have endured. As those who know me realize, my Ryan had complications as well and we are still praying for a healing of his heart but more about that one later! I am just so thankful for My God's love!

2 Corinthians 5:7

"For we walk by faith, not by sight"

Rain - How I Describe It

Rain - it is something that for some reason has so much meaning to it which is how I came up with the name of my blog. There are different kinds of rain but in the end a beautiful rainbow appears and the skies brighten. Life is much like this in my opinion. You see we all go through different things in our lives, good times and bad but each day presents itself new just like no rain shower is the exact same. Sometimes the rain comes in a fine mist, leaving us a little damp but not enough to effect us too much. In life, we encounter different things that play the same role. Money is a little tighter than we would like, a friend doesnt call when we expect it, a trip gets canceled that we were looking forward to. Things of this nature pass quickly and usually dont leave a large mark in our minds or hearts. Then there are the sudden showers. The ones that come about suddenly without warning. A child wakes sick in the middle of the night or the car breaks down when we are running late. Something that throws us off our our plans but we adjust. Then there are the downpours - the ones that seem to keep going and going. It seems like one bad thing after another occurs with no end in sight. Everything appears dark and dreary. These are the toughest to get through, especially if you are not leaning on Our Savior. I have encountered all of these times of "showers" in my lifetime and expect to encounter all of them again at some point. However, how we make it through these different times is what shows our character. It is easy to give up in the downpour, to lose hope, to feel like nothing matters anymore. It is much harder to stand and say "Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! (Psalm 27:14)" However, as Christians this is exactly what we must do. We must endure the storms of life because we know that the Rainbow will come. This time on Earth is not our ultimate destination. We are just hear for a little while until our chosen time. Every day is a new day and we must treat it that way. One of my favorite poems is Footprints in the Sand.

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”

I am so thankful that My God carries me when I am weak and never leaves my side when things are going well. I am thankful for every storm because the storms are what help mold me into the person God wants me to be. Nothing we encounter is unplanned. I quote a phrase very often in my life. "God will never give me more than he knows I can handle." I am thankful for that. He knew the story of my life before I was even thought of by my Earthly mom and dad. I thank Him for the sunshine in my life that is starting to peak out again. And I am thankful that He has always brought me "Through The Rain" and will continue to do so!

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)

No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

My Testimony

Okay. So I started trying to share my testimony once before and it seemed to come out a bit wrong. My husband told me I should try to make it more upbeat...lol. So here goes. I was raised in church by my grandmother growing up. I sang more solos than I could count, starred in plays, earned my GA awards, attended church camp, the whole nine yards. I have to thank my mom for this because even though she did not believe in a formal church setting, she believed that I should be given the opportunity to choose for myself so she wanted to at least allow me to see what it was like. At the age of 9, I made the decision to ask My Savior into my heart. I honestly know that I loved going to church but I am not sure I truly understood what this decision meant. My grandmother was a big influence on me. I have many memories of watching her sitting in her chair, reading her Bible and praying. I myself was searching for something and wanted what I saw others have a church. That glow of knowing they were loved and accepted. That being said, I was always the "good daughter", the straight A student, lots of friends, cheerleader, dancer, etc. Unfortunately, my life changed a good deal from this path. You see when I was 12 years old, I became a "cutter". It was something that made me feel when I felt like nothing else did. It was my escape. This pattern continued on for many years but once I found I could control this, I wanted to control more. So at the young age of 14, I became anorexic and bulimic. I felt like my life was out of control and I couldnt stop things that were occurring from happening, but somehow the power of controlling my own body made me feel better. It was never really about being skinny b/c I never saw myself as that. It was the feeling of relief I got when I did it. The power that came with knowing no one else could control this part of me. Obviously, I was going through a lot of emotions at the time and throw in the normal hormones of teenage years and things got much worse before they got better. The first time I tried to take my life I was 15 years old. At this point, no one still knew my secrets and it would be years later that anyone found out about this first attempt. One of the lowest points came when I was 17. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was tired, tired of feeling lost, out of control, unloved, etc. I just wanted it to all end so I drove myself to the Reservoir with 3 bottles of energy diet pills and sat by the water. My friends sensed something b/c they kept calling and I ignored it. I took all of the pills that I had and slipped in and out of conscious. As I was laying there, I remember feeling a lightness and thinking it was almost over but then I felt and heard something. Someone spoke and said "It is not your time yet, go back and I will get you in my time not yours." Just then my phone rang once more, I picked it up not being able to speak and heard my friends voice shouting "Where are you?" I replied "The Reservoir" and slipped back into unconsciousness. The next thing I remember is two friends picking me up and a bright light in the emergency room. The amazing part of this was that anyone who is familiar with the Rez knows that it is huge and there are hundreds of tiny little boat docks to stop at. How they found me can only be explained by someone much bigger than me! I would love to say at this point I saw the light and changed my ways, but I wasnt ready. I was still searching for something to fill the empty void so I continued on my destructive path. At the age of 19, I once again found myself being rushed to the hospital for trying to take my own life. This time though, I didnt want to live because other people wanted me to. This time I wanted to live for me. I wanted to fill that emptiness that I had been trying to fill for so many years. I sat back and finally said, "Okay God. I tried it my way, how bout we try it your way now." It seems so simplistic now that it almost makes me laugh. I was blessed with 2 dear friends, one that became my husband, that stood by me during this very dark time in my life and invited me to church. Through this church, I discovered what was missing in the void I felt. I discovered that the emptiness was easily filled with my love for My Savior. Since this point, I have come to realize so many things. While I have endured difficult times since this acceptance and am sure I will endure more, I have never felt abandoned by My God. I have never felt empty and alone. My faith has gotten me through more than one difficult situation in my life and I am sure it will bring me through many more. I now carry a faith that regardless of my circumstances, my Best Friend will never leave me or forsake me!

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Helping To Lessen The Burden

So I have recently discovered the power of how to open up to other people. I know this does not sound like a novel concept but you see I am a fixer of things. It has always just been what I do. I dont ask for help or depend on others, I just do what needs to be done. SO I guess God looked at me and said "You cant fix it without me." You see I was raised to cover things up, pretend everything was going well, smile through the tears. I kinda figured it had gotten me this far why not continue right? And I cant say that I was taught to be this way, it was just the role I took on. I remember my mom always telling me I worried too much and to talk about my feelings. Always easier said than done. Even at work, my coworkers know me as the always calm and collected one. The one who can have a $3000 order that is lost 2 days before it is set to be delivered and never raise my voice, always remain calm, focused, and work through the problem. It has always just suited me. However, I have been living with a personal secret and trying to hide it for years. While I am not ready to share it to the blogging world yet, we will just say it is something I have struggled to hide, ignore, pretend, and hope that it will just solve itself. Yes, I have been praying. Daily I pray for a change. I pray for a change not only for the situation but a change in me for I deal with resentment, anger, bitterness, and more over the situation but also because I have felt just worn out like I couldnt handle it anymore. However, a few weeks ago I felt that nudging. You know the one that God gives you in that quiet moment you are having with Him? The one that says "Okay here is your sign. You can keep doing what you are doing or you can follow me and trust me." So I finally said "okay God but you know I am scared of this and that...excuses on my end...BUT I will see what happens if I let maybe one person in." So that is exactly what I did. I told my secret. The secret I have been hiding for years and carrying around with me. And my burden became lighter. As I opened up to a few others, the burden seem to grow even smaller. Yes, the problem still exist. Yes, I struggle with it daily BUT I am not alone. I have friends lifting me and the situation up in prayer. It is amazing to me what a difference this has made in my life over the past few weeks. I am so thankful for those ladies that know the situation but so thankful for those that dont too but are still lifting me up in prayer. During a recent church service after I had disclosed a very brief discussion on what was going on to a friend, she stood beside me and cried. WOW! This was not the reaction I had expected. See I never wanted people to feel sorry for me for what I was going through b/c I have always been the strong one, the one who could handle and overcome anything and I was scared of the reaction. What I got was nothing like that. What I received was heartfelt friendship. Loving me, supporting me, praying with me, and feeling my pain. Thank you Lord for blessing me with such amazing friends and awesome church. Thank you for forgiving me of my past mistakes. Thank you for being everything I need you to be in every situation.

Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. (Galations 6:2)

My Story

Hello all. After many months of reading blogs, I have felt the overwhelming calling to begin my own. The things I write are me - they have helped mold me into the person I am today. To start off and tell you a bit about myself, I am a Christian wife and mother of 2 wonderful little boys. I am a fulltime marketing consultant for a newspaper as well, trying to juggle the responsibilities of church, wife, mother, and employee which sometimes gets a little caotic. I love my life and would not change it for the world. However, I have been through some very dark places in my life that I was scared I would never come out of. My journey is one of many ups and downs and continues to be that way. However, I live knowing now that my God is truly an awesome God and can and will deliver me to His side. One of my favorite sayings is "God will only give you as much as He knows you can handle" and I firmly believe this is true. My strength has brought me through the rain and when it comes again (because it always does), He will bring me through again.