My Testimony

Okay. So I started trying to share my testimony once before and it seemed to come out a bit wrong. My husband told me I should try to make it more upbeat...lol. So here goes. I was raised in church by my grandmother growing up. I sang more solos than I could count, starred in plays, earned my GA awards, attended church camp, the whole nine yards. I have to thank my mom for this because even though she did not believe in a formal church setting, she believed that I should be given the opportunity to choose for myself so she wanted to at least allow me to see what it was like. At the age of 9, I made the decision to ask My Savior into my heart. I honestly know that I loved going to church but I am not sure I truly understood what this decision meant. My grandmother was a big influence on me. I have many memories of watching her sitting in her chair, reading her Bible and praying. I myself was searching for something and wanted what I saw others have a church. That glow of knowing they were loved and accepted. That being said, I was always the "good daughter", the straight A student, lots of friends, cheerleader, dancer, etc. Unfortunately, my life changed a good deal from this path. You see when I was 12 years old, I became a "cutter". It was something that made me feel when I felt like nothing else did. It was my escape. This pattern continued on for many years but once I found I could control this, I wanted to control more. So at the young age of 14, I became anorexic and bulimic. I felt like my life was out of control and I couldnt stop things that were occurring from happening, but somehow the power of controlling my own body made me feel better. It was never really about being skinny b/c I never saw myself as that. It was the feeling of relief I got when I did it. The power that came with knowing no one else could control this part of me. Obviously, I was going through a lot of emotions at the time and throw in the normal hormones of teenage years and things got much worse before they got better. The first time I tried to take my life I was 15 years old. At this point, no one still knew my secrets and it would be years later that anyone found out about this first attempt. One of the lowest points came when I was 17. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was tired, tired of feeling lost, out of control, unloved, etc. I just wanted it to all end so I drove myself to the Reservoir with 3 bottles of energy diet pills and sat by the water. My friends sensed something b/c they kept calling and I ignored it. I took all of the pills that I had and slipped in and out of conscious. As I was laying there, I remember feeling a lightness and thinking it was almost over but then I felt and heard something. Someone spoke and said "It is not your time yet, go back and I will get you in my time not yours." Just then my phone rang once more, I picked it up not being able to speak and heard my friends voice shouting "Where are you?" I replied "The Reservoir" and slipped back into unconsciousness. The next thing I remember is two friends picking me up and a bright light in the emergency room. The amazing part of this was that anyone who is familiar with the Rez knows that it is huge and there are hundreds of tiny little boat docks to stop at. How they found me can only be explained by someone much bigger than me! I would love to say at this point I saw the light and changed my ways, but I wasnt ready. I was still searching for something to fill the empty void so I continued on my destructive path. At the age of 19, I once again found myself being rushed to the hospital for trying to take my own life. This time though, I didnt want to live because other people wanted me to. This time I wanted to live for me. I wanted to fill that emptiness that I had been trying to fill for so many years. I sat back and finally said, "Okay God. I tried it my way, how bout we try it your way now." It seems so simplistic now that it almost makes me laugh. I was blessed with 2 dear friends, one that became my husband, that stood by me during this very dark time in my life and invited me to church. Through this church, I discovered what was missing in the void I felt. I discovered that the emptiness was easily filled with my love for My Savior. Since this point, I have come to realize so many things. While I have endured difficult times since this acceptance and am sure I will endure more, I have never felt abandoned by My God. I have never felt empty and alone. My faith has gotten me through more than one difficult situation in my life and I am sure it will bring me through many more. I now carry a faith that regardless of my circumstances, my Best Friend will never leave me or forsake me!

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."