A New Chapter In Life

Well for those of you who know me really well, you know that Mark and I have been struggling for quite a few years. I was determined not to give up. I was determined that Mark would wake up one day and realize how important his family was to him and how much we deserved to be treated with respect. Unfortunately, I had to make a very difficult decision to do what was not only best for me but for my children. He has been back in Arkansas for about two weeks now and I must admit I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel a peace in my soul that I havent felt for years. I feel more like myself as each day passes. Was I secretly hoping that this would make him yearn for me and the boys more than something else and we would once again go back to a happy complete family? Oh yes I was...When we married 6 1/2 years ago, it was the happiest day of my life, with the other two to follow (the births of my children). But unfortunately, I had to realize that I deserved more and so do my children. They love their daddy and I dont want that to ever change. But I also want them to grow up to be strong Christian men who treat a woman with respect and love. I want them to be the head of their household and love their wives. I want them to put God first, their wives second, and their children third.
The funny thing is when people find out, they tend to act like I should be depressed, angry, withdrawn, sad, etc. I guess over the past 4 years I have been through those emotions. I have hated life. I have blamed myself and thought I wasnt good enough. I have felt depressed and not stopped crying. Now I am ready to live. I am ready to enjoy every moment with my kids and make a lasting impression on their lives because I dont know how long I have with them, no one does. I am ready to embrace any challenge that comes my way, lead by MY GOD! Will there be days that are harder than others, yes. Will I experience some of the above emotions again, yes. But I am ready. I am ready for whatever path God takes me down. It is time for me to stop backing down and cowering to the one person that was supposed to be partner for life. I will no longer allow his anger and actions to control me. I have been controlled for too long. I am not looking for anyone else in my life right now because all I need are My God and my kids. With His protective armor around me, I can overcome anything. I will not be defeated. So if you see me, don't get that pity look at your face that says you feel sorry for me. Smile because you know that with each breath I take, I am shedding the burdon I have carried for way too long.

Gods Love Like A Childs

So my 3 year old awoke in the middle of the night last night. All parents have been through this. As you are sleeping away, you are suddenly awoken by noise that will make your heart ache...the ache of a child hurting or scared. They may be laying in bed scared to move or wondering in the darkness to your room. As you gently take them into your arms, calm their fears, and tuck them under your arm suddenly their little world gets better. They feel safe and secure. They feel like you can protect them from any monsters in the night or high fever or whatever has startled them in the dark. Most of the time, they quickly fall back asleep feeling safe and secure in the arms of someone who loves them.

As I was laying there holding Ryan, I start thinking about how similar this is to the way God takes care of us. In any of our lives, we are at some point woken up with "monsters" in our sleep or lives. We feel scared and anxious. We feel alone and not sure where to turn (in the dark). It is this very time when God gently whispers "Come to me." He wants to comfort us and hold us. He wants to wrap us in His arms and make us feel secure. If we will let Him do this, our fears will be relieved, our hope restored, and our security restored. I'm not saying that the problems immediately disappear because it is not in our time when we want something that things are done. But just like the child who is sick, the "illness" will run its course in His time but we must be comforted and secured in His arms to get to that place.

I am so glad that God wraps me in His arms when I need Him. I am glad He never gives up on me. As a mother to a child, He wraps His arms and presence around my life and provides me with peace to endure every storm. He comforts me in the night and secures me like no one else. What an awesome God we serve!

A New Me!!!

Okay. So it has been a long time since I had time to sit down and blog. As I feel like I say alot, lots of things have been going on! The new job is great. We have found a new church called Life Church. It is a non-denominational church that we were invited to at a soccer practice. As soon as I walked in I could feel the presence of God and knew we had found our new church. The boys came out and ask if they could come back so I knew that was where we would start going. Andy is playing soccer and loving it! Ryan is a little jealous but has been helped by the promise of tee ball in May. He did try to convince the coach that he was 4 and big enough to play soccer though. Monday they start preschool and they are excited to "make some new friends". As for me, I have decided to get back into shape. After the past few years of everything, I had let myself get to a point of unhappiness so the new workout has begun. A friend told me about a program called Marathon Makeover which is supposed to help you train to run a marathon. Thought it sounded neat so I have signed up (although I signed up for the 10 week, 5K training as the marathon training was 40 weeks and started in Jan!). I have started working out by swimming and walking. Training begins next week for the 5K. My goal is to lose weight the healthy way which is something I have never done before! If you read my blog or know me well, you realize that I have struggled with losing weight the entirely wrong way. This time around I am doing it the right way! I have lost about 15 pounds over the past few months and have set a goal to lose about 40 pounds all together (yes this is my LONG term goal!). I am eating healthier too. I think this will have a great impact on not only me but also it teaching my children to take care of their bodies which is something I want them to learn at an early age and carry into the rest of their lives. I will try to keep updated more on my progression. I have never been a runner but really looking forward to achieving this goal. June 16 is the date of the race that I am aiming for so encouragement is welcome!

Changes...

Wow! Alot has been going on in our lives these days. We are finally settling in to our new home in Ellisville, MS. Things are going well at the new job. I forgot how nice it was to work in an environment where everything was not stressful. Yes, it is challenging but I dont feel completely drained when I get home which is wonderful! The boys are settling in nicely. They love the hardwood floors at the new house (mainly bc they can slide across it which makes them happy). It is odd in a way being back though. You somewhat forget how many things change when you leave for 9 years. When I left here, I was a little girl in many ways. Still trying to figure me out. It has brought back some old thoughts of how much I have grown and changed over the years. You see when I left here, I was not happy with myself. I tried to be who everyone wanted me to be rather than just accepting who I was. The roads are filled with memories, some good and some not so good. But in the end they all made me who I am today. I cant say that I would change any of them because I wouldnt be me without them. But it has brought some perspective to where I have been, where I am now, and where I want to be in the future. Everyday is a new challenge. And I am ready to take on those challenges...whatever they may be.

2010

Feel like I havent blogged in a while but there has been a lot going on in my crazy life! You see I am in the middle of some pretty big changes. After living in this area for the past almost 8 years, I have received an opportunity to move back closer to home. Not only is it closer, but it is the job that I have been working for over the past few years. I am excited and saddened as I write this because I know that I have grown so much over the past 9 years. Who I was when I came here is a different person than I am getting ready to leave. I also have been reflecting over the past year. 2009 was a very trying year. I have faced many trials during it. I have also had many wonderful situations like watching my two little boys grow a year older and start developing personalities and being more devoted to my spiritual growth through reading and meditating on His Word. Are things better - not necessarily but I praise God for providing for me what I needed and I know He will continue. See it was a year where when I felt broken, He fixed me. When I felt alone, He stood by my side. When I felt weak, He gave me strength. And so much more! Our God is definitely a God that will provide for us when we needed it so looking back on 2009, that is what I learned. I learned to trust in Him and faith more than I ever thought I could. I learned what amazing friends I have in life (friends that He brought into my life) who prayed, hugged, and stood by me (and still are) when I felt like I was all alone. How amazing is it that even when we go through a year of not so great times, He uses it for His good.

Moving forward in 2010, I know that no matter what occurs, He is with me and that makes anything endurable.

"You, Lord, are the light that keeps me safe. I am not afraid of anyone. You protect me, and I have no fears." Psalm 27:1

Realizing What We Show

It has been a long but great week for me! I went down to MS and got a chance to visit my mom and some really good friends. They are those friends who have seen me at my worst and my best, who just listen without judging, who will stand by me through anything. I love them SO SO much and I needed this time with them. When I got back into town I had committed to working at the country club that I used to work at full time. So tired, I went into work Sat. night. My "manager" there happens to be another one of those friends that I just love to talk to and spend time with. We dont see each other much anymore, except when I work so all the times are special. We sit around after letting everyone else go and just talk. Talk about struggles and happy times. She is going to be undergoing surgery on Dec. 30 (please pray!) so we discussed her feelings of late and then we discussed mine. She made a comment to me that I looked better than I had in 2 years. WOW and thanks! I think the main reason is that I am ready to make some life altering decisions. Decisions that will affect my kids, my husband, and myself. But the main reason I think she noticed this change is because I am not afraid anymore. I know I am strong enough to get through anything with MY GOD by my side. Placing my path in His hands and being honest about things. You see, I have always felt like I had to settle for things (and yes sometimes we do - we cant get everything) but I am talking about the BIG things. Feeling respected, secure, loved, appreciated. I am talking about finding myself again when I feel like myself has been lost the past few years. Coming out of hiding might be a good way to put it. I feel God working in my heart and I know I am strong enough to endure any battle and climb any mountain. Just knowing all of this has given me a new strength. Getting lost in His Word has filled me up. The void that I have felt for so long has been consumed with His love and desires for me. And I am going to follow those desires regardless of what others think. Thank you My God for being my all - my strength, my love, my rock, and my fortress along with so many other things. Though the road may be long, all things are possible with God as the King of my life!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not upon your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Proverbs ch.3 v.5-6

This Moment...

Well..okay. I keep feeling the nudge so I might as well answer. Right? I am a self proclaimed "fixer" of things but I guess God is telling me to let it go. You see for the past few years I have been married to an alcoholic. I want to do what is right but I am tired. I am tired of going to work day in and day out and worrying about my kids. I am tired of being told I am not worth anything and I will never achieve anything. I love my kids more than anything and a friend brought it in to prospective. I am staying in my marriage for my kids, not for me. If the threat doesnt change him or make him want to change, then what else is there? I feel like I deserve better and my kids deserve better. I am tired of feeling taken advantage of. I am tired of going to work worrying about my kids well being. I am just plain tired. At what point do you realize that you cant change a person and if they arent willing to change then you have to? Feeling confused, bitter, overwhelmed, and every other emotion you can imagine. Thanks for letting me vent.