A New Chapter In Life

Well for those of you who know me really well, you know that Mark and I have been struggling for quite a few years. I was determined not to give up. I was determined that Mark would wake up one day and realize how important his family was to him and how much we deserved to be treated with respect. Unfortunately, I had to make a very difficult decision to do what was not only best for me but for my children. He has been back in Arkansas for about two weeks now and I must admit I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel a peace in my soul that I havent felt for years. I feel more like myself as each day passes. Was I secretly hoping that this would make him yearn for me and the boys more than something else and we would once again go back to a happy complete family? Oh yes I was...When we married 6 1/2 years ago, it was the happiest day of my life, with the other two to follow (the births of my children). But unfortunately, I had to realize that I deserved more and so do my children. They love their daddy and I dont want that to ever change. But I also want them to grow up to be strong Christian men who treat a woman with respect and love. I want them to be the head of their household and love their wives. I want them to put God first, their wives second, and their children third.
The funny thing is when people find out, they tend to act like I should be depressed, angry, withdrawn, sad, etc. I guess over the past 4 years I have been through those emotions. I have hated life. I have blamed myself and thought I wasnt good enough. I have felt depressed and not stopped crying. Now I am ready to live. I am ready to enjoy every moment with my kids and make a lasting impression on their lives because I dont know how long I have with them, no one does. I am ready to embrace any challenge that comes my way, lead by MY GOD! Will there be days that are harder than others, yes. Will I experience some of the above emotions again, yes. But I am ready. I am ready for whatever path God takes me down. It is time for me to stop backing down and cowering to the one person that was supposed to be partner for life. I will no longer allow his anger and actions to control me. I have been controlled for too long. I am not looking for anyone else in my life right now because all I need are My God and my kids. With His protective armor around me, I can overcome anything. I will not be defeated. So if you see me, don't get that pity look at your face that says you feel sorry for me. Smile because you know that with each breath I take, I am shedding the burdon I have carried for way too long.